The Secret Life of Enzan Ijyuuin
by mochimaruvii
Summary: Enzan has an obsession. And we all know that obsessions are unhealthy, right? Especially when it starts to interfere with our everyday lives. This is mainly for humour purposes, with a bit of shonen-ai thrown into the mix.


The Secret Life of Enzan Ijyuuin

By: Gingko and GinRyu-chan

Date: July 5, 2004

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After much thought, we finally decided to write this fic. Well, not after much thought, actually. Gingko just suddenly found herself in an uber hyper mood, affectionately dubbed 'green-tea-and-crackers' mode. So, here we are.

Not to mention the fact that I've finally got my MP3 player back. Yeah...I've missed it a lot. cuddles MP3 player I wuv you! You cute, pwecious baby!!

**GR** --; You're scaring half our readers half-way to death.

**Gingko** oblivious I will wuv you foweva and eva!

**GR** Can I hit you with a mallet?

**Gingko** looks at MP3 player in horror, after realizing what she has been doing oO

**GR** You scare me sometimes.

Anyway...on to the disclaimer: **We do not own Megaman. If we did, Lan would be Netto and Chaud would be Enzan. Also, Enzan would never be fashionably late for anything again.**

* * *

You're probably wondering, what is this ficlet about? That's a good question. When we say 'The Secret Life of Enzan Ijyuuin', what do you automatically think of?

Enzan as a spy?  
Enzan being possessed by two crazy authoresses and being made to do weird things?

_Well, we though about that, but...then it wouldn't be 'The Secret Life of Enzan Ijyuuin'. It would be 'The Secret Life of Enzan Ijyuuin Who is Not Actually Enzan, But Really A Couple of Crazy, Enzan x Netto Fanfic Deprived Authoresses Controlling Enzan'. Not only would the plot be stupid, but the title would be so long that you would lose interest before you even start reading._

So instead, this is a story about Enzan and his secret obsession. This obsession drives him to become...a monster.

Wow, that sounded so cool!!

But seriously, he doesn't really become a monster. Just a stalker. Stalkers can't rampage around destroying Tokyo like Godzilla could. Stalkers are way wimpy.

**GR** And stalkers don't eat people. Unless they're cannibals.

**Gingko** Godzilla doesn't eat people!! Godzilla just steps on them and basically squishes them. Yum, Tokyo citizen mush.

This chapter is called....**Enzan's Room of Ultimate Netto-ness**. 

Enzan stirred in his comfortable brown comforter. It was a warm, chocolatey brown. Not much unlike dog doo. But, that's besides the point.

Ignore the dog doo-doo coloured comforter, and pretend that it's just chocolate brown with no doggie implications. They're not unlike the colour of a certain young netbattler's eyes. And no, we're not talking about Dekao. Instead, the one we are referring to is the young Netto Hikari, the rising star of netbattling.  
The grade school netbattler.  
The blue star.  
The bandana kid.  
The short rich-girl genius.

Oh wait, that's Yaito. Back on topic here. The rich chocolate (dog doo) coloured comforter, pillow, sheet set give a whole new meaning to "sinking into your loved ones eyes". Even though that would be really painful for your loved one. They'd probably lose their eyesight. Permanently. But Enzan looks more like he's sinking into dog & so we'll forgive him. Enough about the dog jokes, they're getting old.

Now, we swivel our heads away from Enzan and his...bed to look at the rest of the surroundings. But wait, GR turns our attention to what Enzan is currently huggling like a life-line. On closer inspection...it looks like a...Netto. Aww...it's a Netto plushie, hand-made by 'I'm-an-obsessed-stalker' a.k.a. Enzan Ijyuuin! How adorable! Nice needlework too. But we must painfully tear our eyes away from that master of lovingly made plushies to the rest of the room.

What should we examine next...Aha! Here is a notebook lying open on his desk! Let's run over and check it out.

The pages are carefully flipped open so the contents can be read.

_Net-chan, kawaii!!!_

Everyone, this is your cue to stare at the page like Chisao stopped looking like a monkey.

_Net-chan is just as adorable as ever. Those chocolate coloured eyes. That adorable face. heart_

Um...is anyone else scared, or is it just me? Nevertheless, let's continue reading, even though it's against our better judgement.

_Oh my god!! Net-chan almost bumped his head! He was 0.0000428375682356 mm from getting seriously hurt! I thought my heart had stopped! I finally realized that I could never survive without my darling Net-chan._

Enzan does not realize how many fans he has just lost. I think I liked him better when he was mysterious, mean and always late.

Now, back to the room, and away from the rants of a crazed Enzan. Hmm...what looks safe and mentally undamaging? Hey, look! I see a Netto picture. And there's one beside it. There's another one! And another. And another. And another. And ano...the whole wall's covered in Netto pictures...Okay then. This is now called the Netto Wall of Fame...er...Obsession. Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Here's a few that are particularly interesting.

Netto smiles brightly at the camera.

_How did he get that one? Did he steal it from someone or something? Hey...maybe it was a spy-camera..._

Netto yawns, and rubs the sleep from his eyes.

_Cute. I wish I had one too. I wonder if Enzan would mind if I stole it._

Hey, there's no Netto in this one. Oh wait, never mind. There he is, in the teenie weenie corner.

There's a hole punched into this one. What happened to Meiru's face? It's gone. Wow, remind me never to steal Netto from Enzan. I wouldn't want my face hole-punched out. Ouchies.

Uh...this one's not that great. It's just Netto chugging down food. Looking like a half-starved hamster while doing it. Enzan must like hamsters or something.

Arrgh...too many Netto's...Can't see. Must turn away now, and stare at something else.

Ooh...let's play a game. I spy with my little eye...something that is round, pasted with Meiru's pictures, and stuck full of darts.

The dartboard? Good job!

Nice aim...all full on head-shots. Or eye-shots...This is like, the modern equivalent of a voodoo-doll. I wonder if he has any Meiru voodoo dolls? Got to get back on topic. We'll discuss Meiru voodoo dolls in a later chapter, or something.

I wonder what other Netto merchandise he has? I bet you guys are wondering too, aren't you? Well, let's see. There's...

A cute Netto clock. Netto's hands are the minute and hour hands. Right now, they're bent in a really irregular angle. Must be painful to be a clock.

A Netto hankie. It's carefully embroidered to be an exact likeness of Netto. Enzan sure is talented at needlework.

A Meiru rug. Perfect for when a certain chocolate-eyed netbattler and his childhood friend go out together...to the same place. It's even got a soft rubber underside so it won't slip when Enzan's stomping on Meiru's face. How handy.

Oh, and a Meiru punching bag. But everyone already knows what that's for.

A Netto toy. It can be wound up, then it'll walk on the table. Cute!

A Netto poster. It's life size and in true colour so the Netto image will not experience any quality loss. It looks so real, I could swear that it was really Netto standing in front of Gospel. Netto, look out for Gospel!! It's trying to munch on you!!

What a disturbing room. Is there anything in here that isn't Netto related? The computer!! Let's turn it on, and see which lucky wallpaper-ist has the honour of having his/her work gracing Enzan's computer screen? The computer flicks on, and plays a few seconds of the Megaman theme song. The screen comes to life, and display a picture of...You guess it. Netto. There are lots of little Nettos dotting the screen. Icons. All except for the Recycling Bin. That's Meiru's picture.

Enzan yawns, and runs a hand through his two-tone hair. The alarm clock rings, with Netto talking.

"Why you!"  
"Enzan!!"  
"Are you hurt?"  
"I'll beat you!"  
"I'm not doing this for you. I just want to netbattle you."

And other similar phrases. Enzan woke to a barrage of Netto-speech. The two authoresses freeze and immediately teleport away in the usual authoress style.

Enzan scratched his head, "I could have sworn I heard something. Blues?"

But alas, poor Blues could not answer because he was busy somewhere with Rockman. Feel free to throw your minds into the gutter to join Gingko's.

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_NEXT TIME ON 'THE SECRET LIFE OF ENZAN IJYUUIN':_

Enzan Ijyuuin is looking forward to the dance. He is going to the dance with the school's greatest bit...I mean, cheerleader: Meiru. Suddenly, a transfer student, Netto Hikari appears. His chocolate brown eyes capture Enzan, and Meiru suddenly becomes a detail in Enzan's highschool career.

"I...I like you, Netto-kun!"

"E-Eh?!"

What will happen?

Will anyone not fall in love with Enzan?

How many ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends does Netto have anyway?

Will Enzan's childhood friend be able to steal Enzan from Netto, before Netto punches the said childhood friend out?

Why does Enzan's father hate Netto's father so much? Does it mean that Netto and Enzan could be...brothers? With Enzan leaving for Netfrica, will their love be destroyed?

Why is Enzan leaving for Netfrica?

--> That's because we didn't want him to go to Netopia. Everyone goes to Netopia.

Will there be a happy ending, where Enzan and Netto end up together, get married at 16, and have a happy family? Well, duh. This is a shoujou manga story.

Stay tuned for next time on Love Panic!: I can't live without you.

For those of you who did not catch the joke, the above sneak-peek will not actually happen.

There. That's the weird, slightly disturbing first chapter of 'The Secret Life of Enzan Ijyuuin'. I'm sure we've touched the lives of many of you, even destroyed some of your sanities. Some of you may probably never look at chocolate the same way again. So proud.

On to the technical mumbo-jumbo. Please review, flames will be used to roast marshmallows. Yum, marshmallows...And we apologize for anyone who likes Meiru. Gingko has nothing against the little red-haired girl, neither does GR. It's just Enzan who does.

Gingko

GinRyu-chan


End file.
